DIARY OF A HEDONIST

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Singles evening suck

And Smell like Poo

I have had it up to here (puts hand up as far as it will go) with Valentine’s day. Not because I am a bitter twisted singleton but because I have been organising a Valentine’s promotion for work and if I have to look at another pink heart or write another press release containing the words ‘special evening’, ‘loved one’ or ‘share’, I will scream and scream until I’m sick. So you will be glad to hear that I am going to write a nostalgic piece about my first night out in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil when I lived and worked there. It was a serious learning curb for me and it seems fitting to act as a word of warning for all those singletons wanting to go out and pick up guys or girls especially at this time of year when there are so many cringe singles evenings set up.

It was a Friday night, I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty excited about it… I really dolled myself up to the nines. I arrived at a very cool bar in a very cool area of Rio with my new Brazilian friends. All good, got my drink, clocked the fit waiter (who incidentally didn't even give me a second glance) and sat down at the table. No one fit - literally not one. Not a problem, drink through it. I went to get a second caipirinha – a look of shock and horror swept over the faces of my friends - apparently you're not supposed to drink 2 of them in quick succession as they are very strong. I just told everyone 'it's fine I'm english' (which translated means, "I come from a long line of binge drinkers, I can handle my alcohol") big mistake - HUGE! 2 Caipirinhas down and I was ready for the dance floor - they don't dance like we do in England - I had to seriously tone down my moves as I was seriously starting to embarrass my friends…so then we moved to the live music room where in my tipsy state I obviously looked like easy prey to those latino lovers...

Something my friend had omitted to tell me is that if you talk to a guy for longer than 10 minutes in a club it means you want to kiss them. Obviously me being naive and a new comer to the Brazilian night life, I was not aware of this effing rule. The guy I was talking to was alright but not to my mind was he worthy of swapping saliva. We must have been in conversation for 10 minutes and 22 seconds when he started to make the move. He took a step forward so I took a step back. He took a step forward so I took a step back. This awkard kind of shimeeing carried on for about a minute - I was starting to run out of room to reverse before I hit the wall so I was frantically trying to remember how to say "Do you know where the loos are?" in portuguese. Luckily my friend detected or maybe even smelt my fear and came and rescued me. The rest of the evening was a bit of a blur, but I made sure all conversations with unwanted males were kept to the absolute minimum.

Lesson learnt: Always wear a watch when you go out and preferably one with a stopwatch (and maybe even a rape alarm).

Just as a little post note, even though I just ridiculed the set up singles nights, I am actually being a horrible hypocrite as I am organising a safari dinner party this Friday night. This doesn’t mean that everyone comes dressed as animals and gives in to their inner animal desires; well actually come to think of it, that is exactly what it is except for the dressing up part. There are 2 groups of 10 singletons, 5 of which are boys and 5 of which are girls. You eat the main course with one group of the 5 boys then you swap over and have pudding with the other group of single boys. Then afterwards you all meet up again and you can then after careful consideration decide whether to snog a main course boy or a pudding boy. Anyway – I am looking for 3 single boys. You must be fun, funny and up for a good time and it would definitely work in your favour if you look good naked.

The only thing you must do is bring a bottle of Champagne – NOT prosecco or cava but the rizzle dizzle. Anyway if you’re interested please post a comment below and I will see if you fit the bill. Thank you.

Cordelia Rosa